This week’s observations: Relationships

I’m writing this way after bedtime so bare with me… lol. Which means… no grammar police. Smile! Feedback on the other hand... is very welcome. :)

I noticed that many relationships do not have clearly defined boundaries. So many people complain about their relationships to others yet they don’t sit down with their partners to set clear boundaries about finances, chores, child and or pet care. They run their relationships from an emotional place. Yet, the romantic relationship of those that live together whether married or not is one of many roles. There is the romance role, the lover role, the friendship role, the business role (bills, finances, chores, etc), the parent or pet owner role etc… To keep a truly healthy and happy relationship going there are very important steps to take.

Many relationships end because people fight over money, who has more responsibility, who has more freedoms and less responsibilities and things that were said or done that were hurtful (trust issues), so why does it seem so many people do not cover the basis of these things from the beginning and keep the communication flowing in these areas regularly? If you really value your relationship and the happiness of yourself and of your partner, please consider stepping into a more productive proactive role in a collaborative manor with your partner.

So many people are afraid to step into the business role in the relationship from fear of losing the romance, fear of hurting the other, fear of taking or losing control and more. But the truth is, when you have clearly defined boundaries, guidelines and agreements then you are free to love each other, romance each other and have fun without worrying if you have done something wrong or if they have or will. The collaborative clearly defined relationship allows each to feel secure and to function on a much higher level both in the relationship and as individuals.
Here are a few tips and suggestions to help you with your relationships (these can help with spouses, child/parent/ and other forms of relationships as well).

Get into the flow and stay in the flow.

1. Be clear who pays what when. This will help avoid arguments, resentments, and financial problems and will create an environment that feels healthy and safe for all in the relationship.
2. Be clear if you will have separate accounts or a joint one for your bills. If you do anything jointly, talk to an attorney about ways you can both be protected.
3. What about buying big ticket items together? Consider all the details and again, the advice of an attorney keeps you both feeling safe and doing what’s best for both of you. Put things in writing and have a will or living will. Pre Paid Legal is a low cost option for this service. You never want to be left with nothing or leave people you love with nothing, especially after you have each contributed to the cost of the things you own together.
4. Be clear about how you will divide bills and chores when one has more or less money than the other and / or when one has more or less physical time or ability than the other.

5. Be clear about what matters to you. Don’t allow each other to do or say things that are hurtful just because it may seem like it’s no big deal to the other person. Asking for a little compromise/boundary is ok and it is very healthy. Although the two (or three or however many) of you are in a relationship, you are still individuals. You bring some baggage and some back story to the relationship no matter how much you’d like to think you don’t. As well, it is ok and important to be who you are. They fell in love with you for who you are exactly how you are. Change can be good when it is in the form of growth, but losing yourself is not so good. Compromise and stay whole at the same time, is possible.
6. Be clear that when you are in a relationship you are now in partnership with another person. By using clear, open and honest communication on a daily basis is the adult way to live. It does not mean you are asking permission or being told what to do. However, setting clear boundaries so you both feel safe and appreciated is the responsible loving adult way. As well, talking out decisions in a collaborative manor is a way of valuing each other, your life and your home.
7. Are your actions and words matching? What you say means little if your actions do not match. I see so many people saying how much they love and value their partner but then their actions show they know little about their partner, they do not include their partner in much and / or they talk badly about or to their partners.
8. Are your actions matching their definition? The other things I’ve seen are people saying they love someone but showing it their own way and the other person cannot see it because it is not being shown in a way they understand. For example: John loves red roses. He is in a relationship with Tom. Tom doesn’t like roses. He especially doesn’t like store bought roses. But John thinks roses represent romance and love and even though he knows that Toms favorite flowers are lilies he always buys roses. Each month John goes out and buys red roses and sets them on the dining table for dinner with his heart filled with love that he made the table so beautiful with romantic flowers truly wanting to bring romance and love to the relationship with the intention of showing Tom his deep felt love. Toms comes home and is hurt because he really feels John has not listened to him. He feels that John cares more about himself since he keeps buying is favorite flowers and doesn’t bother to think of Tom. While John is so please with his efforts Tom sits with his feelings hurt that there are store bought roses on the table each month. John knowing that Tom loves lilies could buy lilies to show Tom he is thinking of him. Tom, instead of feeling hurt can ask John about the flowers. He can learn the intentions behind them and appreciate the effort and then ask if John would please buy lilies more often than roses when his intentions are to show Tom love and affection. John would show good listening skills and that he valued what Tom has asked by showing affection in the way that Tom could see.
9. Do for each other out of responsibility: you are an adult, those are your shoes so put them away. You were the last to make a mess in the bathroom so please clean it up. The house is lived in by both of you so truly the responsibility for the cleaning, bills, etc belongs to both of you (unless you both agree and want it another way, then do what works for you not what others think is best).
10. Do for each other out of love: Do not do for the other in your relationship because you have to (if it is your responsibility, it is about you, not them). Doing things as a responsibility is just part of life. But be careful not to resent others for what you do. When your heart is full of joy and you have no expectations of the other person, do something nice for them, something extra outside of regular responsibilities. Do it from love and the joy of seeing your partner receive and you will not feel resentment even if they don’t notice or don’t give back.
11. Don’t talk about your partner or to your partner as if they were your child or parent: When you partner has a big dinner party and ask you to clean up your messes and do a little extra to get ready, don’t talk to your friends and say; “I have to go home and clean because Sharon says I have to”. “If I don’t get my chores done, I will be in trouble”. What are you 8? And don’t say; “Janet, hasn’t done her chores all week. I’m going to have to give her consequences for not following thru”. These statements make you each look bad, and feel bad about each other and about yourselves. You are adults and respect is very important. Collaborative problem solving and consistent communication with consistent follow through sets you each up to respect each other as well as yourselves and it makes you a lot more fun to be around (friends will respect it when they see their friends having adult relationships).
12. Remember to flirt! Talk sexy in their ear, put on romantic music, remind them of a night that you both were swept away by each other, wink, do whatever you do as flirting and do it often. Keep the sparks flying as often as possible. Sex and sexual energy is so important in relationships. Even if you are unable to actually have sex for whatever reasons, keeping the energy there helps you each to feel valued and keeps the chemistry active.

Love, peace, and joy